Little People with Big Feelings
Physical Checklist - This is very often the first place I recommend starting when your kid is having lots of meltdowns. I honestly believe a huge percentage of emotional and behavioral issues come from kids being tired and hungry. (Come to think of it, adults too! : ) If your child is struggling, mentally work your way through this checklist, paying attention to each one. See if things aren’t better in a few days. If they aren’t, progress to the next step.
Sleep - Many of us are extremely sensitive to sleep. God designed the brain to de-fragment during REM sleep. If we aren’t getting enough sleep, our brain function suffers. It has been proven scientifically over and over. You can google it. Prioritizing sleep can require some tough decisions, but once you learn to put it firs (even if it means leaving events early or not getting your dishes washed!) can make a huge difference for all the brains in your home.
Hunger - Sometimes kids don’t recognize they are hungry until they are already falling apart. (Ever been hangry?) I have one child who is especially sensitive to this. If he doesn’t get enough protein, you can see it in his eyes. They droop. And his whole face changes. Then he starts whining or crying. By the time I realize he’s hungry, many times he doesn’t even want to eat anything. He can’t think straight. So I will get him a cheese stick or yogurt or a peanut butter sandwich. And if he’s really bad, some orange juice. And pretty soon he is a reasonable human again. ( I am planning to take him to the Dr. to see if he has an insulin issue.)
Down Time - Let’s face it - our lives can be pretty crazy. Running here and there doing all the good things. The truth is, this constant pace takes a toll on all of us. Our kids might not necessarily tell us “Mom, we don’t have enough down time in our lives. My spirit is weary. Please give us some quiet evenings at home so we can recover.” But if we are rushing, pushing, prodding, scurrying…chances are, they are going to tell us in their own ways. In one of my most favorite parenting books, Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne says that for every high-intensity day we have, we need one day of quiet to re-balance. This has been incredibly eye-opening to me and helpful for our family. When we come out of very busy day or week or season (even if it is fun stuff!), we need to build in days of quiet rhythm. Say no. Stay home. Read books. Eat meals together. Sit and talk and listen to their stories with your full attention. Get to bed without rushing. Leave the house without rushing. It’s hard. It’s good. It’s possible.
Screen Time - It is no secret that screen time affects the brain in some pretty intense ways. Building in structure for screens is painful - and constant. It helps to set some clear boundaries for when, what, and how much. If you have to make constant decisions about screentime with whining kids at your feet, it’s very easy to lose that battle. Let the pre-made boundaries make the decisions for you.
Chiropractic Care - Because the nervous system highway is held and protected within the spinal column, if the spine is out of adjustment, things can get pinched in a way that inhibits good neural pathways throughout the body. We noticed improvement in Caiden after the first adjustment! It isn’t hocus pocus or witchcraft. It’s literally moving bones around to make good space for the nervous system.
Vitamins & Nutrients - God designed us so amazingly, and then gave us herbs and plants and vitamins to feed and protect and heal the whole system. Even if you have a good diet, many of us need supplementation in certain areas. A couple of things we use on a regular basis around here are: B-Complex and Magnesium.
Gut Health - The gut is called the “second brain.” There is a powerful connection between the gut and the brain that is referenced clear back to Bible days. Much of our food and medications these days drain our body of healthy gut bacteria that help to maintain a healthy brain. It is pretty easy to supplement probiotics for gut health. Probiotic supplements, yogurt, yogurt drinks, kefir (so many flavors), kombucha (we love pink lady apple!), sour Kraut, dark chocolate, green olives…there are many things that help us restore and maintain a healthy gut. You don’t have to force-feed sauerkraut….there are so many good options!
Exercise - Good chemicals are produced and released when we exercise. Bonus points if the exercise happens in nature.
Nature - Nature is a natural nerve medicine! A study of the color green reveals - once again - God’s creative genius.
Name Feelings
This may seem too elementary or ineffective, but it is proven that naming feelings reduces their power. And also - this isn’t just for kids. My husband and I spent quite a lot of quality time in marriage counseling working with an emotions wheel (like the one on the pillow below). It now hangs on a hook beside our bed! So don’t delay in teaching your kids to be aware of their emotions. It’s powerful stuff.
Feelings Vocabulary Chart - (Scroll down to the 3rd free download “Feelings Vocabulary Chart”
Feelings magnet - There are so many feelings charts out there. Google “free feelings chart” and go for it. This one is nice because you can keep it on the
fridge where you both always know where it is, and kids can learn to identify and “circle” their emotions on their own.
Feelings Pillow - One of the things that is important to me is finding feelings charts that name a broad enough spectrum of feelings to cover the anxiety that is happening. This pillow is awesome, because it can hang out on a bed or couch and keep the chart easily accessible.
Distraction - Sometimes we just get stuck on something that bugs us and we dig into the feelings. I mean, come on…..moms do it too!! By now, you have worked through the physical checklist, have set appropriate boundaries, and have started gentle conversation about feelings. Sometimes, kids just get their bloomers in a bunch and they need help to calm down. Distraction can sometimes do the trick. This is not to minimize serious anxiety issues or discipline issues. But if your kid is falling apart because their brother looked at them cross-eyed, if you have the time and space to start a distracting activity, do it! One of the best distractions is to read. You don’t even have to explain. Just grab a book, sit down beside your sobbing child and begin to read. It works. Other times, I will have a kid lay down in my bed and listen to a story with headphones. Sometimes I make them go outside together for 5 minutes. A walk around the block helped my fussy babies.
ANGER & MOVEMENT: I have already mentioned exercise above, but I want to say more about the power of movement. Many kids (and adults) need to move their bodies in order to move through their feelings. Anger is one of those emotions that particularly wants to come out in a physical way. Anger is not a sin. And it is very damaging to tell our children that feeling anger is sin. It is our responsibility to help them learn how to value their anger and how to use it in a productive way. Anger is usually the visible tip of an iceberg which goes way below the surface. Under the surface there is often fear, frustration, insecurity, sadness, disappointment, etc. So when a child shows anger, their spirit is often trying to figure out what to do with all of the emotions going on under the surface. If they don’t have any emotional tools, they use what they have available…anger! Understanding this has helped me a lot with dealing with anger in my kids. Sometimes, kids are just angry because their brother is obnoxious or they are exhausted and can’t find the strength to respond well. This doesn’t mean that we condone taking anger out in unhealthy ways. It means we stay present and teach. It means we slow down.
Personal Example: When my mother-in-law died we were all together in the living room. One of my sons left and went into the kitchen. I could see anger rising up in him. And I saw one little tear rolling down his cheek. I realized that he didn’t k now what to do with the grief he was feeling and he needed a physical expression. (Not all kids need to express their grief in this way, but this is a very physical kid.) We went outside to look for something we could chop or throw or break in a safe and respectful way. We found nothing. So we went back inside and told his dad he needed to do something physical. So he and his dad went for a run down the country road. Right then. Just minutes after Rose had gone to heaven. It was one of the most tender parenting moments I’ve ever witnessed. When they got back about 15 minutes later, our son was back in his window of tolerance and was slightly amused at his dad’s running pace.
SUMMARY:
In the moment, remind your child that it’s okay to be angry, but they cannot hurt themselves, anyone else, or any property. (No kicking things or hitting themselves or yelling at people.)
In the moment it may not be helpful to pull out the feelings chart and try to reason with the child. A change in environment, a cold drink of water, a little time on the porch with mom, some deep breaths, or another distraction can help them get back into their window of tolerance. Do your teaching when they are not all wired up.
Start with the physical checklist. Are they tired? Hungry? Rushed? Fighting sickness? Slow down and tend to the basics.
Slowly teach kids that emotions are a valuable tool. They are like a car dashboard, telling us that something needs attention.
Start collecting some resources….a feelings chart, some books about feelings. And when everyone is happy, read them and talk about them. You are building an emotional intelligence within your kids. No crash course is needed, just a little here and there.
Model emotional regulation. When you feel yourself falling apart, you don’t have to hide all of your emotions, but let them see you learn how to stop yourself and use healthy methods to manage your anger, frustration, boredom, tiredness & sadness.
Don’t rule out getting help. You can contact me if you’re not sure what to do next.
Professional Help - If your child’s anxiety is extreme, lasts for more than a few weeks, or is accompanied by strange behavior, you may want to consider a session with a professional counselor who specializes in children. If their anxiety is accompanied by repetitive thoughts or behaviors (counting, hand washing, obsessive cleaning, repeating actions of phrases over and over, apologizing over and over)…..you can refer to this blog on OCD and consider talking to a counselor.
ABUSE AWARENESS
The sad truth in our world is that a report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds in the United States. This means we need to simply be aware and awake.
Awareness does not need to mean panic, living in fear, hypervigilance, or over-reacting. However, we should always keep our ears and eyes open and educate ourselves about the symptoms in our own kids or kids we work with that could signify abuse.
Be aware of major changes that could be a symptom of something scary happening.
One of the symptoms of abuse can be when a child suddenly becomes very fearful of normal situations that used to feel safe. This can signify that something needs to be looked into, but it can also mean your kid is just going through a stage!
Personal Example: One of my sons went through a stage (around 8 years of age) when he was fearful to go to another part of the house or use the bathroom without me close. I didn’t panic. I paid attention, watched, provided safety for him when he was scared, and asked my counselor friend about it. He eventually moved out of this stage. However, if it would have persisted many weeks or even months, I may have needed to take more action to get some help to dig deeper.
BOOKS & RESOURCES:
One of the things that has helped me the most with parenting these six crazy kids through all kinds of personalities and emotions is using good books and resources! Most of these books, we don’t sit down and read cover to cover. I look through the book ahead of time, find an activity that I think fits the situation, and we give it a go. When we need something else, we come back for another tool. Some books are helpful to read through with your child, though, because it helps them to feel understand, and that they aren’t alone in their big emotions.
Top Secret Tip: If you don’t have time to read, listen!! I listen a lot while I do laundry and work in the kitchen. It makes my work fun, like a little me-time. I use Audible, Chirp, Libby, Overdrive, ChristianAudio, and lots of audiobooks from our online library!
This is one of my favorite feelings charts because of the variety of feelings offered, as well as the helpful facial expressions. Print at home (2 sizes available) or print at Walmart or any other photo printing service.
Downloadable graphic illustrating the things we can & can’t control.
